George, we need to talk.
Don’t be such a piker. If you’re going to lie, go big!
Here, I’ll show you.
You lied saying you graduated summa cum laude from Baruch College with a bachelor’s degree in economics and finance.
Not Baruch. Harvard.
You ranked in the top 1 percent of your class.
Not the top 1 percent. You ranked No. 1.
You had a volleyball scholarship. You were a star, and your team won a league championship.
Not volleyball. Football. And you almost made the pros.
You have an MBA in international business from NYU.
That’s still not Harvard, is it?
Make yourself worthy of being George Santos, a Republican congressman from New York. Despite your reputation as a liar, if you don’t go big, you will never make it as a world class prevaricator. You need to create some extraordinary lies.
You lied about your mother.
You said she was in her office in the South Tower of the World Trade Center when terrorists destroyed it. You lied when you said she died. You lied again when you said she survived. On a visa application, your mother, from Brazil, said she was not even in the United States.
Say that your mother was a heroine. Tell people she was killed trying to save Girl Scouts touring the South Tower. She ran ahead of them, leading the way through fire and smoke, to some stairs. She was crushed with them when the stairwell collapsed. Go for it!
You lied about your religion.
You said you are the grandson of Holocaust refugees from Ukraine. You also said you were raised Catholic, born to a Jewish family – very, very confusing religious background. Then you tried to lie out of it by saying you are Jew–ish.
Get rid of the hyphen.
You lied about your career. You said you were an associate asset manager at Citigroup and a project manager at Goldman Sachs.
Instead, say you were the chief assistant to Jeff Bezos (worth $120 billion). Better yet, Elon Musk ($146 billion).
You lied about your own worth.
You said you loaned your campaign more than $700,000 in 1920-21, when you had only $55,000 in earned income.
Don’t say you borrowed the difference. Go for broke: Say you are worth $150 billion. Eat your heart out, Elon Musk.
Hey, one other suggestion: Never admit lying.
It has been reported that you performed as a Drag Queen named Kitara Ravache in Brazil when you were young. Whether you did or not, do not admit that you ever lied about it. In for a dime…
Finally, while you are improving your lies, add to your aliases. Kitara Ravache, Anthony Santos, Anthony Devolder and Anthony Zabrovsky are not enough. You can do better than that.
If you don’t become a better liar, your constituents will think that, even as a faker, George Santos is a phony.