“THEY’RE BLAMING ME!”
“Because you’re the worm.”
“Yes. In RFK Jr.’s brain. He says I ate part of his brain. And yes, that’s true, but there was trouble in there before I ever got a bite. I told Andy Borowitz that I gave it a bad Yelp review. It tasted awful. And his brain is so small! I almost couldn’t find it. I’m a tiny worm, and I was cramped in there!”
“Not many people have worms in their brains.”
“He thinks he picked me up during a trip through South Asia. A lot of people say I’m the reason he told Fox News last summer, ‘I do believe that autism does come from vaccines.’ And why, in 2015, he declared, at a screening for an anti-vaccination film, that people get a shot and then ‘they have a fever of 103, they go to sleep, and three months later their brain is gone. … This is a Holocaust.’ “
“But none of that is true!”
“Neither are many other things he says, and the Washington Post, the New York Times and the New Yorker make this very clear. People accuse me of being the reason he has said that the coronavirus vaccine, which has saved millions of lives, is the ‘deadliest vaccine ever made.’ They say I’m the reason he asked the Food and Drug Administration to halt COVID vaccinations during the pandemic. They also say I caused him to de- clare, as he did on Fox News, that the Department of Agriculture and the FDA ‘have an interest in … mass poisoning the American people.’”
“That’s slander.”
“Don’t blame me! I’m just a worm. He said crazy things before I took a bite of him.”
“Thank goodness you didn’t take two bites. He was Donald Trump’s first and only choice to head the Department of Health and Human Services, which says something wiggly about Trump, too. I mean, this is serious stuff. The department reaches into what the New Yorker calls ‘virtually every corner of the nation’s health-care infrastructure, from messaging on public health and investment in biomedical research to the approval of new drugs and the delivery of medical care.’”
“He’s got plenty to handle with all of that, with or without a worm like me.”
“The Times says Bobby pledged to ‘advise all U.S. systems to remove fluoride from public water.’ The Post says he suggested that HIV might not cause AIDS, that chemicals in water are changing children’s gender identity, that ivermectin and hydroxychloroquine are effective against COVID, and that the 5G high-speed wireless network is used to ‘control our behavior.’”
“Even worms know better than that.”
“At least some of this happened after you took your bite.”
“If you had gone to a Jesuit school, you’d know that blaming me is a fallacy called, in Latin, post hoc, ergo propter hoc. No, sir! I was not involved in Bobby’s foolishness.”
“You mean his dangerous falsehoods.”
“Yes. But that’s him, not me.”
“I don’t know. It seems like a strange coincidence that a guy with a worm in his brain has such trouble thinking straight.”
“Stuff it! I’m tired of being blamed … It’s so hard being a worm these days!”
