“What’re you doing, Joe?”
“Making a list.”
“Things to be thankful for.”
“What’s at the top?”
“Why would you, the President of the United States, be thankful for a guy who says your election was a fraud and that he is the rightful president of the United States?”
“Well, you see, a year ago this joker over at Blueprint magazine suggested I should do to him what they did to Napoleon: get rid of him by giving him an island and an imperial title to go with it. Napoleon left France and went to Elba in the Mediterranean. The guy at Blueprint said I ought to send Trump to Rikers in the East River. It’s an island.”
“But I’m glad I didn’t do it.”
“Because Donald Trump is such a big help. And I need all the help I can get. Just this month, a Reuters poll said only 44% of Americans approved of the job I’m doing, and 49% disapproved. A Washington Post/ABC poll had it at 41-53.”
“Name one thing Trump does to help you!”
“He lies so much I look like Honest Abe.”
“His COVID response was so lame mine seems heroic.”
“BuzzFeed lists 82 dumb things he has done. He stared into the sun during an eclipse. He said protesters against police brutality were throwing cans and bags of soup. He tossed paper towels to hurricane victims like they were souvenir jerseys at a basketball game.
“When he introduced the rapper Lil Pump at a rally, he called him ‘Little Pimp.’ He tweeted that he met with the ‘Prince of Whales.’ He saluted a North Korean general. He said he met with the president of the Virgin Islands. He is the president of the Virgin Islands. They’re a U.S. territory.
“He feuded with the cast of Hamilton. He feuded with Meryl Streep. He feuded with Robert De Niro. He feuded with Jay-Z. He feuded with LeBron James. He feuded with Meghan Markle.
“He called Tim Cook ‘Tim Apple.’
“He said he was building a border wall in Colorado.
“He wanted to buy Greenland, but Denmark refused to sell.
“He tweeted that the moon is part of Mars.
“He suggested nuking hurricanes.
“He said he was ‘like, really smart’ and a ‘very stable genius.’
“It’s Thanksgiving, and I’m so thankful for Donald Trump. He’s a gift that keeps on giving. When I think of Thanksgiving turkey, I think of Donald.”
The Last Laugh: At Thanksgiving, avoid potentially awkward situations with creative seating arrangements; for example, try putting a chair or two on top of the table and maybe one in the bathroom.
– The Onion