Santa Claus
North Pole
Dear Santa:
I’m a big and powerful man, and I’m not accustomed to begging. But I have a Christmas favor to ask.
I need some pardons.
They’re not difficult to give. When I was president, before my reelection got stolen, I issued a bunch of them. All you do is order an elf to write them, and you sign them.
Please put them in envelopes and drop them down the chimney at Mar-a-Lago.
People are investigating me.
Congress. The Justice Department. Grand juries. A Manhattan district attorney. A New York attorney general. Some are issuing subpoenas. They’re knocking on doors and sending FBI agents. They’ve even seized a cellphone. I could use your help. In fact, a few different types of pardons would be perfect. Here goes:
1) I need a pardon for taking classified documents home to Mar-a-Lago when I left the White House. Some were secret, even top secret. One described Iran’s missile program. Others were intelligence about China.
The people investigating me say that I compromised the documents and exposed some of our spies and their methods by bringing the classified reports into a private club filled with staff, guests and visitors.
But I kept the documents in a storage room. They were my mementos. I declassified some of them by simply saying they were declassified – or by thinking it. I thought very hard.
Mishandling classified information is a federal crime. This could be big trouble. I am running for president again, but that doesn’t seem to be stopping my accusers.
Please issue me a pardon. Call it: Classified.
2) People are also accusing me of trying to create fake electors to turn around the last presidential election. They say the plan was to overthrow the results in swing states.
My White House counsel said doing it would not be legally sound. But I called the Georgia secretary of state, a Republican, and I told him to “find” 11,780 votes, enough to give the state to me. He refused.
I called the Georgia governor and the state attorney general, both Republicans, and the Georgia elections investigator. I’m being accused of trying to commit election fraud. This could be big trouble too.
Georgia is not a large state – like, say, California or New York. If you don’t know where it is, ask Rudolph.
Please issue me a pardon. Call it: Fake.
3) I realize you don’t get out much. You’re always in your workshop, except around Christmas time, so you might not have heard about this. Ask Humphrey, your chief elf. He keeps tabs on everything.
So you may have missed this, but almost two years ago, on January 6, when they stole my re-election, more than 2,000 people attacked the Capitol. Several died. Many more were injured, including some police. It was an insurrection against certification of the election results.
I encouraged my supporters to join the protest. The January 6 Committee of Congress and the Justice Department are investigating everything I did to find out if I “obstructed, influenced, impeded or delayed” the certification.
Would I do such a thing?!
You don’t have a Department of Justice at the top of the world, but ours might indict me. The January 6 Committee could recommend it. Members are saying that what happened was an attack on democracy.
I would be the first former president to be charged with a crime.
Please issue me a pardon. Call it: Seditious.
4) I don’t know how you do it.
Where do you get the stuff you use to make toys? Do you steal it? Your wife always wears the same dress. Does Mrs. Claus ever go shopping? Your elves are like slave labor.
I like bucks. Big bucks. To buy a lot of things. I do many things to make big bucks. I have hotels . . . resorts . . . golf clubs . . .
The Manhattan district attorney has put my company, the Trump Organization, on trial on tax fraud-related charges. He is not accusing me personally, but I might get swept up in it.
Another district attorney is investigating the property taxes at my Westchester golf club.
And the New York attorney general is suing me, along with my company and three of my children, for more than $250 million in what she says are dishonest gains.
Me? Dishonest?
In a deposition, I have invoked my Fifth Amendment right not to reply to questions on grounds that the answers might incriminate me.
That’s legal, but it’s not enough.
Please issue me a pardon. Call it: Big Bucks.
I can feel the danger growing. Even one of my former attorneys general, Bill Barr, says it’s “increasingly more likely” that I will be indicted.
Does the North Pole give blanket pardons?
Thank you.
The Honorable Donald Trump
Mar-a-Lago Club
1100 S. Ocean Blvd.
Palm Beach, FL 33480
PS: Please don’t lose my address. I might need more pardons next Christmas.
